FORCES THAT IMPEDE CHANGE

Psychological Forces	Thoughts and Habits that Limit Change
Pain versus Pleasure	The immediate pleasure of the habit (gambling) is more powerful than the delayed pain (financial ruin).
Fear of failure	“If I don’t change, I will feel even worse than I do now.”
All or nothing thinking	“I must lose 50 pounds; losing 10 pounds is unacceptable”
Unconscious conflicts—unaware of problems	We may repeat maladaptive behavior because we fail to recognize the destructiveness of our acts.
Change is unpredictable	The discomfort of the status quo may be preferred over the anxiety produced by change.
Resisting authority	“I don’t like anyone telling me what to do.”
An undesirable habit may provide unmet needs.	Drinking relieves stress. Physical abuse provides attention. Eating fills a psychological void.

UNDERSTANDING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

I HATE YOU, DON’T LEAVE ME

            Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a misnomer. The term "borderline" originated in the 1930s when psychiatrists thought that emotionally unstable patients dwelt on the border between neurosis and psychosis. The classification, Emotional Instability Disorder, better describes those individuals who demonstrate the following:

Ø    Ambivalent feelings about others—an “I hate you, don’t leave me” attitude. The borderline has intense love-hate relationships—thinking that a person is angel or a devil with no realization that all of us have “good” and “bad” traits. A few minutes or hours later, the borderline might idealize an individual and the next hour (or minute) the borderline will consider the individual worthless or evil.

Ø    Chaotic relationships

Ø      Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Ø     An unstable self-image

Ø     Self damaging impulsivity such as overspending, sexual indiscretion, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating

Ø     Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats

Ø     Self-mutilating behavior—cutting or burning self

Ø     Rapid onset of intense and profound depression

Ø     Rejection sensitivity—considered the slightest inattention of an individual as a totally rejecting attitude

Ø     Chronic feelings of emptiness

Ø     Inappropriate, intense anger—screaming, yelling, throwing things

Ø     Transient paranoid thinking, self-image, and behavior.

Ø     Emotional instability that disrupts family and work life

            People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). They may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. Suicide threats and attempts occur as a maladaptive attempt to prevent abandonment. Intense anger develops when the borderline feels rejected. Self-mutilation results from an attempt to reduce emotional stress. For the borderline, physical pain is preferred over emotional distress. People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending and risky sexual activity.

ORIGIN OF BORDERLINE BEHAVIOR

            Anyone who has a child knows that around 18-months of age the youngster toddles out of the room plays alone for a few minutes and then toddles back in the room looking for mother. With a wide-eyed smile, mama picks up her toddler, gives a warm hug, and coos encouragement. Consistent maternal and paternal affection enables the child to develop a stable sense of self and, with dependable parental behavior, the child develops the ability to sooth the self—the ability to tolerate the vicissitudes of life.  

            When the-soon-to-become borderline toddles back into the room, mama has disappeared or is drunk or is verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. Inconsistent, negligent, and abusive parental behavior generates a fear of abandonment and retards the toddler’s emotional development. The toddler feels alone, lost, and worthless.

            As the years pass, feelings of worthlessness, and a poor sense of self cause frequent changes in careers, jobs, friendships, and values. Borderlines view themselves as fundamentally bad or unworthy. They feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, and empty. These feelings result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone. The emotional clinging behavior exhibited by borderlines repulses others. The fear of abandonment felt by the borderline generates hostile behavior that results in the very rejection that the borderline fears.

NATURE VERSUS NURTURE— A GENETIC OR A PSYCHOSOCIAL ORIGIN?

            Although no gene has been identified as a precursor to borderline personality disorder, neuroimaging studies are intriguing. PET scanning and fMRI studies demonstrate enhanced amygdala and prefrontal activation in subjects with BPD. Excess activity in the cingulate gyrus is associated with borderline personality disorder. These findings are nonspecific indicators of intense emotional activity.

            Common sense indicates that some children are more sensitive than others. Just as some geneticists believe they have isolated a gene for shyness, a gene that serves as a biological marker for BPD may be identified. Remember—a gene must be activated before an illness occurs. That is, many of us may have a genetic marker for schizophrenia, but a stable emotional life prevents the gene from becoming activated.

NEUROCHEMICAL MARKERS

            The chemical messenger serotonin helps regulate emotions, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and irritability. Drugs that enhance brain serotonin function may improve emotional symptoms in BPD. Likewise, mood-stabilizing drugs that are known to enhance the activity of GABA, the brain's major inhibitory neurotransmitter, may help people who experience BPD-like mood swings. An imbalance of dopamine, the so-called pleasure neurotransmitter, may contribute to impulsivity and anger. Antipsychotic medications can help regulate dopamine balance.

Illnesses ASSOCIATED WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

            BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder and depression. While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger and depression that may last only hours, or at most a day.

            BPD is one of four related personality disorders associated with dramatic-erratic behavior, poor impulse control, and emotional instability. Narcissistic, histrionic, and antisocial personality disorders are also distinguished by dramatic-erratic behavior. While almost 75% of borderlines are female, the vast majority of sociopaths (antisocial personality disorder) are male.

            Bulimia and other eating disorders, dissociate states, and anxiety syndromes are commonly associated with BPD. Substance abuse is a common problem in BPD. 50% to 70% of psychiatric inpatients with BPD are drug or alcohol dependent.

 

DIALECTIC BEHAVIOR THERAPY

            Dialectic behavior therapy is based on the Socratic method of discovering the truth. The therapist asks a series of questions exploring the what, where, when, why, and how of conflict and stress. Asking questions helps the patient learn appropriate responses for managing stress and conflict.

three elements of dialectic behavior therapy

1. The therapist communicates verbally and nonverbally to the patient that the therapist cares enough to be involved in helping the patient learn self-disciple. The therapist sets limits. He/she does not give into the excessive demands of the patient. At the same time, the therapist is reliable and steady. The therapist avoids rescuing the patient when the patient gets into difficulties in his/her daily activities of living while remaining kind and understanding. 
2. The patient keeps a daily journal that records events and feelings and thoughts generated by daily events. The therapist asks a series of questions to enable the patient to learn better ways of handling conflict.
3. Therapy allows the borderline to learn specific skills in dealing with stress and interpersonal conflict:

v    Evaluation of distorted thinking—the patient is helped to see different viewpoints in a conflict and to focus on present issues instead feelings from the past.

v    Dealing with stress—the patient learns to manage emotions that are triggered by distressing events, including those that cannot be immediately resolved.

v    Dealing with conflict with others—the patient is assisted in maintaining good relationships with others. Through a series of questions the therapist helps the patient learn that certain rules of society must be followed to get along in the world, and that to break social, ethical, and moral rules leads to self-destruction. Using the Socratic method the therapist helps the patient find ways to fulfill his or her needs in a way that allows others to fulfill their needs.

v    Developing emotional stability—the patient learns self-soothing behavior by changing distorted beliefs and inappropriate actions. For example, a series of questions can help improve the patient’s response to perceived rejection:

ü     What are you thinking (or doing) right now?

ü     Is what you are thinking (or doing) helping you?

ü     What thoughts (or actions) can help you feel better about yourself? (Several options may be formulated until the best solution is discovered.)

ü     Will you commit to changing your thoughts (or actions)?

ü     How will you demonstrate that you have committed to change?

FAMILY/MARITAL THERAPY

            The crux of family therapy involves educating family members regarding BPD. Improving communication will help resolve the two poles of inappropriate family response: over involvement (rescuing) and neglect. 

ELEMENTS OF CHANGE

v    Because ambivalence to change maintains the disease process, books, tapes, and didactic lectures help reveal unconscious psychological conflicts that retard progress.

v    Cognitive behavior therapy teaches more appropriate ways of thinking about conflicts.

v    Fellowship—developing friends who model appropriate behavior helps generate change.

v    Spiritual transformation provides love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

TWO REASONS PEOPLE CHANGE

1.    Pleasure—realizing that new behavior patterns will produce more pleasure than maladaptive behavior patterns brings change. Believing that we can have a better life engenders different approaches. The power to visualize a successful outcome gives the courage to try new ways of doing things.

2.    Pain—understanding that maladaptive behavior causes intolerable distress stimulates an alternative lifestyle. Drastic environmental consequences may be required before inertia can be overcome. Imprisonment, financial ruin, homelessness, or the treat of death may be necessary before transformation occurs. Allowing a person to suffer may be the best way to generate change. 

VALENTINE CHOCOLATES

            He sits there for a while, looking at her. She is still beautiful. Her freckles have faded with the years, but her skin radiates warmth, moonlight bathing the contours of her face. Her hair, silver now, softly falls all around the pillowcase. Her emerald eyes, magnetic as always, pulls him to the first time he had seen her—in college, in Professor Mangum’s Freshman English class. He remembers her eyes and her voice, resonant as she recited Shakespeare:

 

As you were when first, your eye I eyed,

Such seems your beauty still.

 

            She was a young girl, filled with excitement and wonder. Her laughter filled the gloomiest day with sunshine. Her radiant smile warmed his life. He had never seen a face so expression filled, ever changing like ocean waves.

            Her body athletic, firm and well proportioned, stomach flat, legs tanned, reflected health and feminine strength. When he wrapped his arms around her body, she seemed to melt into his, summoning sensations of soft snow falling. Her kisses opened the door to heaven.  

            A bird starts to sing outside the window, and he turns his head. Outside the rolling lawns shaded by towering oaks, make life seem secure somehow. He sits there quietly, enjoying nature’s beauty with her.           

            He marvels at the privilege of being married to her for 43-years. He is grateful for the steadiness of her love and her support, even when his mistakes were unsupportable.

            He remembers her hugely pregnant; her long and difficult labor that had him worried, and the doctor too. The sudden x-rays “just to check if her pelvis is big enough.” The pain she experienced standing and twisting to the instructions of the technician as the contractions intensified.

            After the delivery and she was tucked in warm and safe, he walked back to their apartment numb from the ordeal, crying softly for her and her suffering. He was trying to study for the Medical Board exam scheduled that afternoon when a call came from the hospital. She was bleeding. He ran back to find her pale and clammy. He felt guilty—Why did he leave so soon? He knelt beside her bed, praying. Emergency surgery was scheduled. A small section of placenta extracted. The danger had passed.

            Now the menace is different, a slow, progressive slide into oblivion. An aide enters the room to take vital signs and fluff the pillow, interrupting his thoughts. As she leaves, he recalls his flight surgeon days, the vertical power of the F-4 Phantom, over the top, negative Gs. The thrill of riding the helicopter hoist to help those below. The daily adrenalin rush. He had ignored her needs then and she began to pull away, becoming more independent. Sadly, she placed second during the years of medical specialization, the pleasures of academia, and the demands of medical practice. Worldly things made him less considerate to her needs, never knowing how much she needed his attention, and he, hers.

 

The world is too much with us; late and soon,

Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers…

We have given our hearts away.

 

            Making money and buying things. Ambition. Competition. Wanting it all. More recognition. Bigger cars. Larger homes. The best schools. Trying to beat everybody else at everything.  All these things get into the way of what is most important—loving those we care about.

            A crisis. Then a coming together with a better understanding of needs they each had. As was his bent, he remembers other ways that he had let her down and had disappointed her.

            He looks at her. She smiles peacefully. He asks if she remembers walking in the Angelina County rain, drive-in movies Friday night, country summer evenings, the first time he told her he loved her, sitting together after Caribbean lunches, sunset sails, walks along Carolina Beach. She doesn’t.

            He tells her about their trips to tennis tournaments with the kids; reading out loud together; kneeling for nighttime prayers, mountain cabin excursions, board games with the family, card games together—how she always seemed to edge him out in the end.

            He reminds her of riding the jeep on mountain road switchbacks and campfire ghost stories—the Battery Beast, Chug Houndlicker, the Ditch-dog Killer, Gunner Shellachumm. She smiles at his enthusiasm, but the stories fail to register.

            He tells how she laughed when on a canoe portage she fell, the backpack pressing her, turtle-like, into the mud before he ran to help her. He laughs about their first fight when he couldn’t get the wet wood to light. As a last resort, he tore their hiking map throwing it on the kindling. Finally, the fire started, but she refused to let him grill the hamburger patties because “they had been out too long.” She remembers none of it.

            He told her about the basketball games. She would yell loudly for their team, but when it got to crunch time and the game was close, she would hide her eyes with every shot, asking, “What happened?” Ditto for movies. In the scary parts, she always hid her eyes. He would kid her and suggest that they request a ticket rebate because she only saw half the movie.                       

            She shivers slightly. He stands and pulls the covers over her shoulders. Returning to the bedside chair he remembers the mornings when he would make the coffee, and bring it to her in bed where they would talk of prayers and promises, their family and friends, their children and their hopes.

            Gradually, they learned the value of putting God first in their lives, and, paradoxically, when they did so, they became closer. When their children left the state for prospects elsewhere, they became almost inseparable. Friendships became more abundant and more intimate.           

            He considers her biggest fault—one of her few faults. The fault that bothered him the most was this: She never told him what she wanted. She never asked him to do something for her. Because he got the most joy out of giving her joy, he would have given her anything she wanted. But she never told him what she wanted. “You should know,” she said.

            He remembered her father’s funeral when he learned something about her that he had never known before. At the wake she had said:

            My father was such a wonderful man. He had integrity. He was loyal. A good provider. Understanding. He allowed me to make small mistakes that taught me life lessons, while standing firm on rules and regulations that kept me out of real trouble.

            It seems strange, but one thing he did keeps returning to my mind. Every Valentine’s Day he gave me a box of chocolates. That gift of chocolates came every year, as certain as the sun rising.

            Chocolate? He didn’t understand what made her father’s gift so special. In contrast to his father-in-law who gave chocolates, he was a “candy-is-dandy-but-liquor-is-quicker” man, a fast track guy. Run for a gift at last minute, charming the clerk to wrap it. What’s the big deal about chocolate? He was clueless.

            Months later at a party, the discussion turned to chocolate—the flavors—dark chocolate, milk chocolate—chocolate with names he had never heard discussed, chocolate imported from Europe and Asia! My goodness!           

            From then on every Valentine’s Day, he bought her big boxes of chocolates, lots of boxes. He overdid it, she said. Finally, he learned the chocolates that were special to her. Thereafter she got her special chocolates, the ones she liked the most “in the whole wide world.” Her happiness warmed his heart.            

            A rain taps tiny drops gently on the windowpane, bringing his thoughts back to the present. He reaches down. He takes a red package out of a gift bag. He places the package on the nightstand.

            She looks at it.

            “What is it?” she asks.

            “Chocolates.”

            “Chocolates. I love chocolates, don’t I?

            “Yes,” he says.

            “David?” she says. “David. You’re David aren’t you.”

            “Yes,” he says.

            “I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t know who you were and I was afraid to ask. I was afraid I would hurt you. You were so kind to me, but I couldn’t remember who you were. David… David…I’m afraid I will forget who you are again.”

            “You remember who I am now,” he says.

            Slowly he gets out of his chair. He goes to her bed. He lowers the bedrails and lies beside her. He wraps his arms around her body. She seems to melt into his, summoning sensations of soft snow falling.

           

 

The Power of Visualization

Imagination powerfully influences successful outcomes. When imagination and will-power compete, the imagination always wins.

Force of will never keeps you striving for success, but proper visualization will. Visualization will make you a winner on the golf course or tennis court and it will enable you to be more successful in business and your daily life.

All peak performers visualize success. Before shooting a free throw, skilled basketball players see the ball ripping through the net. Before great golfers hit each ball, they vividly picture where they want the ball to go.

Likewise, when we visualize a pleasant and contented family life, we will most likely have a happy home. And visualizing business success enhances a good outcome.

A relaxed mind enforces the effectiveness of visualization. Practice this exercise:

Assume a relaxed position. Close your eyes. Silently repeat these words, "Breathe in relaxation; breathe out tension." When you feel relaxed, visualize what you want to happen. Focus on this positive visual image for a few seconds. Hit the golf ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway or the tennis serve deep into the backhand corner…or successfully complete that sales call…or peacefully persuade your truculent child to go to his room.

Broadcast Good News

No one ever made a friend or accomplished anything worthwhile by transmitting bad news. Good news, on the other hand, promotes good will and spreads enthusiasm. The message, "I've got good news" gets the attention of everyone. Take sunshine to work. Talk about the positive things your company is doing. Compliment people you work with. Let them know you have faith in them. Always aim to make the person you talk to feel better than he otherwise would.

Talk to your family about the amusing, pleasant things you experienced during the day and let the disagreeable stay concealed. Bring rainbows home. If you can't say anything good about your physical health say nothing at all. No one wants to hear about your aches' and problems. Instead, glorify in your good health and the good things that are happening.

Choose Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm. Corporate presidents voted it the most valuable personality trait. It's the biggest single factor in successful selling. It wins ball games. Inspires audiences. Enhances learning. Builds team spirit. Propels careers. Makes dull days bright.

Choose enthusiasm by seeing your dreams come true. Think enthusiastically. Talk enthusiastically. Become enthusiastic by acting enthusiastic. Your thoughts and actions determine your level of enthusiasm.

Add Zip to Everything You Do.

Walk fast.

Put a bounce in your step.

A vigorous, hearty handshake indicates you are glad to be alive and happy to be with the other person.

A robust smile radiates enthusiasm.

Reply to the mundane, "How do you do?" with an attention getting, "Fantastic...and I'm going to get better!"

Put spirit into your speech by varying the pace, raising and lowering the pitch, changing the tone and modulation.

Talk with more than your mouth-use wide sweeping gestures. Don't hold back. Turn it on.

Force yourself to act with enthusiasm, and soon you will feel enthusiastic.

This is the era of dramatization. Simply stating the facts isn't enough. The truth must be made vibrant, arresting, theatrical. If you want to keep and hold someone's attention, you must use showmanship.

Strawberry Solutions

A psychologist stood in the produce department of a grocery store. As each customer passed him, the psychol¬ogist tested their reaction to verbal influence. He declared to one group, "You don't like strawberries do you?" 90% of the customers agreed with his statement.

He offered the next group a basket of strawberries with this assertive query, "You want some strawberries, don't you?!" Half of them accepted his strawberries.

He asked the third group, "Do you want one or two baskets of strawberries?" 40% of these customers took two baskets; 50% took one basket; and only 10% took no strawberries.

Attitude Platitudes

Whether we are running hot, running cold, or sim¬ply running on overload, we can take charge of our atti¬tude by remembering these aphorisms:

Success has more to do with our emotional disposition than with our social position.

Kites rise against the wind, not with it.

A rubber band becomes effective only when it's stretched.

More opportunities exist than there are people willing to seize them.


What matters is what happens in us not to us.

You can tell when you are on the road to success. It's uphill all the way.

When Goliath appeared, David said, "He's so big, I can't miss."

Wait until the lows pass and you will feel on top of things.

Choices, not circumstances, determine how we think.

Because action cures misery change your motion to create positive emotion.

Where there is no faith in the future, there is no power in the present.

To accept failure as final is to be finally a failure.

Failure is the line of least persistence.

Others can stop us temporarily, but we are the only ones who can stop ourselves permanently.

Our lips program our brain for success or failure.

Act "as if" we are successful and we will be.

Attitude determines whether our failures make us or break us.

Life is one percent what happens to us and 99 percent how we react to what happens.

Gratitude adjusts our attitude.

Attitude is Everything

Two shoe salesmen were given a new territory on a Pacific island. Immediately upon arrival, the first sales¬man placed an urgent call to the home office: "Get me out of here. No one on this island wears shoes."

The second salesman sent an e-mail request to the factory, "Please put everybody on overtime. Will need as many shoes as you can manufacture. No one on this island has any shoes."

Attitude determines the difference between shoed or shoeless. Attitude is more critical than events. It's more significant than what's happened or what's hap¬pening. Attitude is more consequential than the past, than genetics, than education, than money. Attitude is more important than what other people think...or say...or do. It is more important than appearance or tal¬ent. Attitude will make or break an individual, a home, a company, or a country.

Because attitude determines whether we are happy or unhappy, fulfilled or empty, the positive perspective assures us that we can never fail. A hopeful attitude guarantees internal success. Attitude-the altitude adjuster-determines whether we fly high or low, crash or soar, glide or slide.

A couple of days ago I had a pity party. I became upset with everything and everybody. Suddenly I felt ashamed. I wasn't any better than a spoilsport. I rebuked myself: "Anybody can have a positive attitude when things are going well. It's how you act when things are going badly that determines the strength of your character. An appropriate attitude means feeling hopeful in challenging times. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Count your blessings. Look for the good."

I shared my insight with a friend who, later that day, gave me a adhesive label to place on my bathroom mirror. Now whenever I shave, brush my teeth, or comb my hair, I see the message: Attitude is Everything. This little reminder helps me tidy up my point of view.

VALENTINE CHOCOLATES

 

            He sits there for a while, looking at her. She is still beautiful. Her freckles have faded with the years, but her skin radiates warmth, moonlight bathing the contours of her face. Her hair, silver now, softly falls all around the pillowcase. Her emerald eyes, magnetic as always, pulls him to the first time he had seen her—in college, in Professor Mangum’s Freshman English class. He remembers her eyes and her voice, resonant as she recited Shakespeare:

 

As you were when first, your eye I eyed,

Such seems your beauty still.

 

            She was a young girl, filled with excitement and wonder. Her laughter filled the gloomiest day with sunshine. Her radiant smile warmed his life. He had never seen a face so expression filled, ever changing like ocean waves.

            Her body athletic, firm and well proportioned, stomach flat, legs tanned, reflected health and feminine strength. When he wrapped his arms around her body, she seemed to melt into his, summoning sensations of soft snow falling. Her kisses opened the door to heaven.  

            A bird starts to sing outside the window, and he turns his head. Outside the rolling lawns shaded by towering oaks, make life seem secure somehow. He sits there quietly, enjoying nature’s beauty with her.           

            He marvels at the privilege of being married to her for 43-years. He is grateful for the steadiness of her love and her support, even when his mistakes were unsupportable.

            He remembers her hugely pregnant; her long and difficult labor that had him worried, and the doctor too. The sudden x-rays “just to check if her pelvis is big enough.” The pain she experienced standing and twisting to the instructions of the technician as the contractions intensified.

            After the delivery and she was tucked in warm and safe, he walked back to their apartment numb from the ordeal, crying softly for her and her suffering. He was trying to study for the Medical Board exam scheduled that afternoon when a call came from the hospital. She was bleeding. He ran back to find her pale and clammy. He felt guilty—Why did he leave so soon? He knelt beside her bed, praying. Emergency surgery was scheduled. A small section of placenta extracted. The danger had passed.

            Now the menace is different, a slow, progressive slide into oblivion. An aide enters the room to take vital signs and fluff the pillow, interrupting his thoughts. As she leaves, he recalls his flight surgeon days, the vertical power of the F-4 Phantom, over the top, negative Gs. The thrill of riding the helicopter hoist to help those below. The daily adrenalin rush. He had ignored her needs then and she began to pull away, becoming more independent. Sadly, she placed second during the years of medical specialization, the pleasures of academia, and the demands of medical practice. Worldly things made him less considerate to her needs, never knowing how much she needed his attention, and he, hers.

 

The world is too much with us; late and soon,

Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers…

We have given our hearts away.

 

            Making money and buying things. Ambition. Competition. Wanting it all. More recognition. Bigger cars. Larger homes. The best schools. Trying to beat everybody else at everything.  All these things get into the way of what is most important—loving those we care about.

            A crisis. Then a coming together with a better understanding of needs they each had. As was his bent, he remembers other ways that he had let her down and had disappointed her.

            He looks at her. She smiles peacefully. He asks if she remembers walking in the Angelina County rain, drive-in movies Friday night, country summer evenings, the first time he told her he loved her, sitting together after Caribbean lunches, sunset sails, walks along Carolina Beach. She doesn’t.

            He tells her about their trips to tennis tournaments with the kids; reading out loud together; kneeling for nighttime prayers, mountain cabin excursions, board games with the family, card games together—how she always seemed to edge him out in the end.

            He reminds her of riding the jeep on mountain road switchbacks and campfire ghost stories—the Battery Beast, Chug Houndlicker, the Ditch-dog Killer, Gunner Shellachumm. She smiles at his enthusiasm, but the stories fail to register.

            He tells how she laughed when on a canoe portage she fell, the backpack pressing her, turtle-like, into the mud before he ran to help her. He laughs about their first fight when he couldn’t get the wet wood to light. As a last resort, he tore their hiking map throwing it on the kindling. Finally, the fire started, but she refused to let him grill the hamburger patties because “they had been out too long.” She remembers none of it.

            He told her about the basketball games. She would yell loudly for their team, but when it got to crunch time and the game was close, she would hide her eyes with every shot, asking, “What happened?” Ditto for movies. In the scary parts, she always hid her eyes. He would kid her and suggest that they request a ticket rebate because she only saw half the movie.                       

            She shivers slightly. He stands and pulls the covers over her shoulders. Returning to the bedside chair he remembers the mornings when he would make the coffee, and bring it to her in bed where they would talk of prayers and promises, their family and friends, their children and their hopes.

            Gradually, they learned the value of putting God first in their lives, and, paradoxically, when they did so, they became closer. When their children left the state for prospects elsewhere, they became almost inseparable. Friendships became more abundant and more intimate.           

            He considers her biggest fault—one of her few faults. The fault that bothered him the most was this: She never told him what she wanted. She never asked him to do something for her. Because he got the most joy out of giving her joy, he would have given her anything she wanted. But she never told him what she wanted. “You should know,” she said.

            He remembered her father’s funeral when he learned something about her that he had never known before. At the wake she had said:

            My father was such a wonderful man. He had integrity. He was loyal. A good provider. Understanding. He allowed me to make small mistakes that taught me life lessons, while standing firm on rules and regulations that kept me out of real trouble.

            It seems strange, but one thing he did keeps returning to my mind. Every Valentine’s Day he gave me a box of chocolates. That gift of chocolates came every year, as certain as the sun rising.

            Chocolate? He didn’t understand what made her father’s gift so special. In contrast to his father-in-law who gave chocolates, he was a “candy-is-dandy-but-liquor-is-quicker” man, a fast track guy. Run for a gift at last minute, charming the clerk to wrap it. What’s the big deal about chocolate? He was clueless.

            Months later at a party, the discussion turned to chocolate—the flavors—dark chocolate, milk chocolate—chocolate with names he had never heard discussed, chocolate imported from Europe and Asia! My goodness!           

            From then on every Valentine’s Day, he bought her big boxes of chocolates, lots of boxes. He overdid it, she said. Finally, he learned the chocolates that were special to her. Thereafter she got her special chocolates, the ones she liked the most “in the whole wide world.” Her happiness warmed his heart.            

            A rain taps tiny drops gently on the windowpane, bringing his thoughts back to the present. He reaches down. He takes a red package out of a gift bag. He places the package on the nightstand.

            She looks at it.

            “What is it?” she asks.

            “Chocolates.”

            “Chocolates. I love chocolates, don’t I?

            “Yes,” he says.

            “David?” she says. “David. You’re David aren’t you.”

            “Yes,” he says.

            “I’m sorry,” she says. “I didn’t know who you were and I was afraid to ask. I was afraid I would hurt you. You were so kind to me, but I couldn’t remember who you were. David… David…I’m afraid I will forget who you are again.”

            “You remember who I am now,” he says.

            Slowly he gets out of his chair. He goes to her bed. He lowers the bedrails and lies beside her. He wraps his arms around her body. She seems to melt into his, summoning sensations of soft snow falling.

            

Speak the Negative Away

Never verbalize a negative. We avoid saying any¬thing negative about ourselves, our family, our friends, our career - about anything. Why? Because our words are like seeds. What we sow, we reap. Talk negative, reap negative.

Our mind is like a computer with a keyboard and a storage disk. Our senses represent our keyboard. Chemical pathways in the brain's unconscious represent the brain's storage disks. Anything that is typed into our keyboard will be stored for life. Our lips are part of our keyboard. Our lips program us. Speak negative and we program negative into our storage disk called the uncon¬scious mind.

The storage disk (the unconscious mind) is unable to distinguish the truth from a lie. The unconscious believes everything that is put into it. As computer pro¬grammers say, "Garbage In, Garbage Out." Negative program, negative life.

Emile Coue, the pioneer of autosuggestion, coined the phrase:
"Day by day, in every way, I'm getting better and better. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel terrific."

He asked patients to repeat this phrase throughout the day. Those who followed his suggestion improved.

Words are a tremendous energy source. Negative words induce negative results; positive words produce positive results.
Negative speech undermines our health and our happiness. A secretary says, "This computer is a pain in the neck" - and guess who has a headache a few hours later? A tennis player says, "I choke on the big points" - and guess who loses important matches? A parent says, "Our kids always get sick on vacation" - and guess whose holiday is ruined?

How often have we heard ourselves say these words: "I'm not as smart as everyone else." "I'm just unlucky." "I can't lose weight." "I'm not getting any younger." "I'm not as sharp as I used to be." "I'll never be a success." "I never have enough time" "I'm messy" " I'm disorganized." "Mondays depress me."

As children we hear negative. When we watch tele¬vision we see and hear negative. (The auditory and visu¬al aspects of television make it a powerful programmer.) Our friends talk negatively. So we get in the habit. We begin to talk negatively. The more we hear ourselves talk, the more negative we speak. We verbalize the neg¬ative and our lives become negative. The more negative our lives become, the more we speak negative.

Check yourself. Listen consciously to everything you verbalize. Does most of your self-talk build you up or put you down? Would you type the words you say about yourself into your computer as lifelong directives?

Imagine getting on an airplane that contains the wrong program. Would you fly on that plane? Of course not. The program determines the plane's altitude, speed, course, and destination. An airplane with the wrong pro¬gram will crash. When you hear yourself speak nega¬tively-stop. Get on the right course. Speak positive words that guide you to success.

You can reprogram your brain. The chemical path¬ways in your brain's unconscious can be broken down in about twenty-one days. Replace negative words with positive words and the negative chemical pathways¬ - the negative programs - will be destroyed in twenty-one days.

Once the negative programs are destroyed, more positive things will begin to happen. You will be on the flight path of success.

If words are the most powerful destiny shaper that we control-and they are-then by governing the words that come out of our mouths, we can have a better chance of having a fulfilled life.

Learn to see something positive in everything that happens. Speak hopeful words. Never miss an opportu¬nity to praise others. Find and speak the good in every situation. Show appreciation at every opportunity. Encourage the timid. Fortify the weak. Use positive words to become all you can be and to help others to get the most out of life. Positive words give you confidence and, in turn, encourage others.

Rather than speaking the negative in advance, speak what you want as if your desire has already happened. Avoid speaking a negative future: "We are looking forward to our vacation, but the first day we go on a trip the kids always get sick." Guess what happens? Your children are sick the first day of your vacation. Speak positively about the future: "We are looking forward to our vacation and this time the kids are going to be healthy the entire trip." Your children have a much bet¬ter chance of being healthy this time.

Positive speech is not designed to detract from your faith. Positive talk enhances your faith. Read the Bible. All of God's courageous leaders spoke positively-espe¬cially about the future.

Feelings Come From Thoughts

The blind poet, Milton, wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. "

Thoughts of two famous people underscore Milton's point:
Napoleon who had power, riches, and glory said, "I have never known six happy days in my life. "
Helen Keller, rendered blind and deaf from childhood meningitis, declared, "I have found life so beautiful. "

Events and acquisitions fail to give us joy. Our thoughts can. Mind-body research, psychoneuroimmunology, proves that negative thoughts produce stress hormones. Optimistic thoughts cause the release of endorphins and other beneficial brain chemicals causing good feelings. What we think determines how we feel.

Time for Positive Living

Attitudes are more important than facts
.- Karl Menninger, M.D.

Poor emotional health robs us of valuable time and prevents us from enjoying a balanced life.

The good news: our emotional health depends on our attitude. We can choose: To accept or refuse love; grow from or surrender to challenges; enjoy or complain about our work; modify our habits or let our habits mod¬ify us; cultivate tranquility or be overwhelmed by stress; seize opportunities or cower in a corner; enjoy being alive or dread waking up. Proper attitudes create a life worth living and make time worthwhile.

Our response to life's difficulties determines our happiness and health. Within us resides the gift to accept responsibility for our own bliss. We can shape adversity into an advantage. We can turn tragedy into hope. We can live the life we choose. The power to change gives us the opportunity for a blessed and balanced life.

Turn Off the Television

Throw your television away! Ninety-five percent of television is negative. Who needs more negative in their lives? Television robs more people of their valuable time then any instrument ever invented. Don't worry about keeping up with the news. If there's a nuclear war some¬one will let you know about it.
Although scrapping the television would be better than constantly watching mind constricting programs, there must be some balance in our television time. Television, a marvelous invention that could be used for improving and inspiring us, has become a terrible influ¬ence on our children and suggestible adults. Unwise choices in program selection can erode our minds and waste our time. Let us all - everyone of us - break the habit of flipping on the set when we walk in the room...and let us monitor what we watch.
Rest and Relax

Relaxing, a good use of time, saves energy and improves concentration, enabling you to get more done faster. Rest and think a few minutes before and after meetings. Break up your work schedule with a 10 minute respite every 90 minutes. Walk and/or nap 30 minutes each day. Avoid work on Sundays. A lumberjack knows that the oak cuts faster when he takes time to sharpen the ax.

Listen to Save Time

Have you been late for a meeting because you didn't listen carefully to directions? Have you gotten the wrong impression about a business deal so time was wasted putting together a project that no one wanted? Have you spent hours trying to restore harmony after a misunder¬standing offended your spouse? Has a misinterpretation of what you thought you heard caused a loss of time with your children, friends or associates?
Listening is a lost art ... and an art that can be learned. Mastered and used appropriately, proper listen¬ing can allow you to save valuable hours per week. Listening will help you make time-saving decisions. You'll become a brilliant conversationalist. You'll be pop¬ular. Respected.
Why does a good listener acquire more affection than a good talker? Because a good listener always allows people to hear their favorite speakers - them¬selves. People are a thousand times more likely to be interested in themselves than in you.
Here are the cardinal techniques for listening:
Make the other person feel important by using "you" words.
Observe the person who is talking.
Lean toward the speaker and listen intently.
Don't interrupt with long "I" statements.
Ask questions.
Reflect back using the speaker's words.
Simple rules? Yes. But not commonly practiced.
Think about it. When you last communicated with your family, were you looking at them or at the television? When listening to a report, were you focused on the speaker?

Listening begins and ends with making the other person feel important. Listen more, talk less. To listen, replace "I," "me," "my," and "mine" with "you" and "yours." The more the "you" word is used, the more important people feel. The more important they feel, the better and quicker they respond.
Eye contact looking at the speaker - is crucial. Because the eyes are the gateway to the soul, communi¬cation at the deepest level comes from eye contact.
Concentrating on the speaker builds trust. Improves rapport. Enhances hearing. You pick up nuances in facial expression and body posture when you watch the speaker.
Leaning toward the speaker reflects interest. An open, interested posture encourages the speaker and builds confidence in the relationship. Leaning away indicates indifference.
Interrupting with I statements wastes time. Avoid comments such as, "I lived in Georgetown once...;" "Did you know I... or "I felt like that before...; I remember "
Interrupting with clarifying or empathetic queries encourages the person to get to the point. The following interruptions help speed the person along: "I understand… What happened next?" or "I know how you feel..After that what happened?" or "Would you please clarify that? Did that happen before or after…"
Asking questions develops rapport and understand¬ing. When people enjoy being with you, they share important matters. Talking to people about themselves works with human nature. Talking about yourself works against human nature.
Questions lead to the royal path of persuasion. Asking questions will tell you what others want, what motivates them. You can then use this knowledge to develop a time saving win-win situation. By helping other people get what they want, you can get what you want.

Using your time well will give you more time for living.

Take care of first things first.
Follow the 80/20 rule: spend 80% of your time with the top 20%.
Begin now.
Say "no" to the unimportant.
WIN: What's Important Now - the time management game.
Use transition time appropriately.
Handle every piece of paper one time only.
Set limits on interruptions.
Use your most productive time on prime projects.
Listen carefully.
Delegate.
Take time to rest.

WIN--What's Important Now

Get Up Early
Most, but not all, successful people get up early. They leap from their beds and get the most important work done before the sun rises.
If meetings and routine work duties prevent you from accomplishing priority tasks, get an early start. Begin - and finish - your most essential work before everyone else arrives and the telephone starts ringing. .

Sleep Less
Reducing your sleep time by 30 minutes each day will give you 7-1/2 extra days a year.
Remember, however, that each individual has a unique demand for sleep. The average sleep require¬ment for a young, healthy adult is just a few minutes under eight hours. As we age, we require less sleep.
Know Your Rhythms
Determine your most productive time and reserve it for prime projects. Don't spend your best hours on rou¬tine tasks such as answering mail and reading reports.
Win

Ask: "What's the best use of my time right now?"

This priority question will allow you to WIN (What's Important Now) the time management battle.