Act one, scene one: in heaven.
GOD (adjusting the HD TV): Hey, boys, come in here that sitcom from earth, Pontificating People, is about to start.
JOHN THE APOSTLE: Great, I’ll make some popcorn. How about some wine?
MATTHEW: Cool it, John. What a party guy. You’ve never been the same since that wedding in Cana.
LUKE: I left that miracle out of my book. Sorry John, but compared to the other miracles I didn’t consider the water-into-wine miracle worth mentioning.
JOHN THE APOSTLE (entering carrying a huge bowl of popcorn): Hey, where’s Peter? He loves this show.
GOD: He’s over at the Sea of Faith practicing the water-walking thing.
MARK: And Paul? It would do him some good to laugh a little.
GOD: At the library writing a letter to the Martians. Shh. It’s starting.
Act 2, scene one: on earth at a home Bible study.
JIM: Because I’m an engineer, believing in this spiritual stuff gives me a little trouble at times.
BILL: It’s a heart thing not a mind thing.
LARRY: No. Jim’s predestined to think that way.
ANITA: Stop talking about predestination. If we didn’t have free will, we’d be like puppets.
PHYLLIS: I think you might want to consider a third option. As it says in the Bible, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”
A FIRST TIME GUEST AT THE BIBLE STUDY: I didn’t know that was in the Bible, but I haven’t read it that much. As Shakespeare said, “Much study is a weariness to the flesh.”
KAREN: That’s in Ecclesiastes, not Shakespeare.
JOHN W. (interrupting): Phyllis is right. You can have predestination and free will at the same time. Its called antinomy.
GOD: That guy’s such a know-it-all. He makes me laugh.
JOHN W. (droning on): It’s sort of, like Plato wrote in The Republic. There are two horses in the sky pulling a chariot. One horse is named Passion; the other is named Reason. They’re pulling against each other. That’s a metaphor for predestination and free will.
GOD: That guy’s a hoot.
PETER (entering while toweling off): To me he’s just a big bore.
KATHERINE (back at the Bible study): I think it’s all free will. Like the Weegie Board thing. We thought we had set the evil spirits free.
PAULA: I’m kind of leaning toward predestination, because when we got Coach Fran, we weren’t given a choice.
JOHN W. (interrupting again): Dante wrote about free will and predestination too. In The Divine Comedy, he used Rebecca and Rachel to represent faith and reason.
PAUL (entering carrying a huge scroll): That’s a non sequitur. He’s showing off again. He’s so arrogant, he’s funny.
PETER: Yes, but in Heaven he’ll get a little tiresome. Where am I going to put that guy when he comes through the pearly gates?
JESUS: As I said, “My house has many mansions.” You’ll find a place for him.
PETER: I think I’ll have him bunk with Erasmus. They’ll put each other asleep with their pontifications and we won’t have to listen to them.
GOD: All those guys down there think they know all the answers. Haven’t they read Job? Who are they to question me?
THE HOLY SPIRIT: I enjoy trying to influence their thinking…. and their heart.
JESUS: When you are around them a lot you begin to really love them.
GOD: I’m glad you like them boys. It took quite a bit of dust to get them started.
LEON (back at the Bible study): It’s time to stop. We can have it at our house next week.
JOHN THE APOSTLE: They are so funny. I can’t wait until next week’s show. I’ll bring the wine in the new skins.
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