Learn How to Bake Chocolate Chip Cookies to Experience Gratitude

When lost in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for chocolate-chip cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a kind and loving gesture, or an encouraging word, or a soothing embrace. We are comforted by memories of grandmothers and aprons, soft snow falling and warm fireplaces, summer rain and swimming pools, soft-spoken secrets and sweet, stolen kisses, reading out loud, kneeling to pray, and warm blankets. These pleasures remind us that only what we’ve done for love’s reward will pave the road through time.

Thankful for the American Girl Doll

If your family has so many things that you can’t put them in a big house all at once but have to store some of the things in the attic, or the basement, or the garage, or even in the shed way back behind the main house, you probably have heard of American Girl dolls.

            These dolls cost a lot of money, because a girl who has a house with lots of storage space buys an American Girl doll and her neighbor who lives in a big house with an attic and a three-car garage sees the American Girl doll and wants one too. These girls take their American Girl dolls to school and every girl with a big house and lots of storage space wants one too. Then a girl from North Carolina takes her American Girl doll to visit a cousin in Texas who has a ranch with acres and acres of storage space. She orders one too. The Texas girl takes her American Girl doll to New York where a girl with lots and lots of warehouse storage containers buys an American Girl doll too.           

            Soon everyone wants an American Girl doll including mothers who really wish they were little girls again instead of a workingwomen who spend all day correcting mistakes made by their male bosses with IQs lower than room temperature who make twice as much money as they do. If you are a working mom playing with an American Girl doll is much better than going home to mow the grass, trim the hedges, balance the check the book, take your daughter to ballet lessons, and sit through your son’s T-ball game that lasts 6 hours and 23 minutes until being called on account of lightening. After that you cook dinner, do you kids’ homework, read a bedtime story out loud (three times), kneel for bedtime prayers, give hugs and kisses all around, and don’t forget to leave the hall light on and crack the door a little wider. Then you clean the house, feed the parakeet, and take the dog for a walk.

            Finally, you get to put down your cell phone which you have been talking on continuously since you walked out the office door, and you head for the computer where you read group emails warning about people who will drug you and steal your kidneys. In your email, you find a request for people to decorate a table at Central Baptist and a message asking how much to spend on a group gift for Mary. Another email mentions that “because of the hectic schedules we face during the next two months with people moving, new committee demands, and of course, the holiday season, it seems it might be best to postpone our Alert Citizen project until January.” If you are lucky, you will get a slide show about Vacation Day. You can always count on finding 53 new recipe messages in your email. Then you discover email instructions on voting for the city ordinance forbidding cooking on Saturday night that is enforced by the police who put yellow tape around your kitchen if you try to cook. And you always get useful public announcements in your email such as the one from the Mental Health Association with instructions on how to get in touch with them:

             “If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly; if you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you; if you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call; if you are depressed it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway; if you have short-term memory loss, press 9—if you have short-term memory loss, press 9—if you have short-term memory loss, press 9; if you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you; if you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. It won’t last forever.”

            After reading 586 emails, you compose witty replies to answer all your messages, not forgetting to forward 376 of the emails to your group lists. When you go to bed you dream of American Girl dolls.

            Grandmothers know deep in their hearts that cuddling an American Girl doll is better than playing bridge with boring people who talk about their sore knees, and the size of their kidney stone, and how no one will operate on their back that hurts more than sitting in a nest of fire ants because the doctors say that their spine makes a pretzel look straight, and how their grandson is so handsome that he has waited tables on Hollywood Boulevard for eight years expecting an audition soon, and how fifty-five church friends went on a charter bus trip to Nova Scotia that was a lot of fun except Betty got lost and was picked-up by the police when they found her wondering the wrong way down the middle of a one-way street and how Al spoiled their fun at lunch everyday by yelling, “Let’s eat at Hooters. Let’s eat at Hooters” and how Sharon embarrassed all of them by asking if anyone had some extra Viagra that she could give to Richard.

            You can see why all grown women like the American Girl dolls. But not men. They sit home in big chairs, drinking beer and eating pizza while watching the Dallas Cowboys on television because the Cowboys can win, and saying bad things about the local college football coach because his team can’t win.

            The America Girl catalogues go to homes where people have more things than they can find storage for. The little girls can’t wait to get American girl doll catalogues that are expensive not even counting postage, but are worth it because they have slick pages, color pictures, and stories about each doll.           

            When the little girls get their American Girl catalogues, they stop playing with their other toys. When the mother finds a discarded toy in the washing machine or the shower or maybe in the oven, she calls to the daddy, “Father please come and put this toy in the attic.” And at half time, the father puts it in the attic behind last year’s Christmas tree ornaments and no one ever thinks of the toy again or even misses it.

            As soon as the little girls have looked through the American Girl catalogue, they call their grandparents because they know that their parents are too busy putting things away to listen about American Girl dolls. If the grandfather answers the phone they talk real sweet to him but not very long and then they ask to speak to their grandmother who they call Mimi or Gigi or Nana or Nan-Nan or something else only little girls call Grandmothers and they say:

            “Mimi, guess what the American Girl Doll Catalog came today. Did you get yours? Oh good! Aren’t all the dolls just beautiful? I like Felicity the best. Please, please grandmother can you give me Felicity for Christmas? Actually, I was thinking that because Christmas is so far away that maybe you could give me Felicity for my birthday on December 19. Would you please?

            But grandmother, let me think. Thanksgiving is coming even sooner. Maybe you could give me the doll for Thanksgiving Day instead of the footballs grandfather gives to girls when he should give them to boys only.

            I would have so much to be thankful for if I had the American Girl doll for Thanksgiving. Mimi you are the best grandmother in the whole wide world especially when we play with the American Girl doll together.

            You know what Mimi? I’ve been thinking again. Because Thanksgiving is about Turkeys and Pilgrims and Indians, maybe you could also give me the Indian doll, Kaya. Look on pages 44 and 45. Isn’t she just adorable? And look. See the food Kaya eats. We could get that too. And then we could learn all about what Indians eat everyday and for thanksgiving too. Kaya’s food only costs $20.

            Kaya will need a bedroll. See it at the bottom of the page. It only costs $24. And look, look. Oh, I’m, so excited. Aren’t you excited too Mimi. Just think of the fun we could have together. See her Tepee, and Kaya’s Mare—Steps High, and her saddle, and look Steps High has a foal called Sparks Flying. It only costs $38. Oh, this is exciting. Kaya has a dog, Tatlo. And Tatlo has his own gear. I could read all those books at the bottom of page 44 and really learn about Kaya and other Indians. Wouldn’t that be great? We could read them together, Mimi. I love you so much, Mimi.

            Mimi, I’ve been thinking. You know what? Felicity could ride in her Colonial Carriage to visit Kaya. And look two dolls can fit inside the carriage and Felicity can take Kaya for a ride and Kaya and Felicity could spend the night in Kaya’s tent. Look at Felicity’s holiday outfit. She could visit Kaya in that outfit and she could show it to her. And Kaya can show Felicity her Indian dress and maybe they will decide to change clothes and fool everybody who they are. And Felicity can ride Steps High. Oh, Mimi, we will have so much fun playing with them.”

            And what do you think the grandmother says? Of course, the grandmother says, “Yes dear. I will send it to you as soon as I can order it for you.”

            All grandmothers who have credit cards, don’t think about the bill that totals $998 not including taxes and shipping. They don’t think about spoiling little girls or closets and attics full of toys. And they don’t think about the father who has to get an unsecured loan to build a bigger house just to store all the things grandmothers with credit cards give to their granddaughters. This is called free enterprise. Aren’t we thankful?

Advice for Parents: Improving Relationships and Preventing a Violent Society

We feel helpless in a sea of social turmoil where a single life raft offers little expectation for smooth sailing. A harmonious bulwark of social, cultural, and spiritual safeguards prove the safest harbor from violent storms. A safe culture would provide:

1. Children raised by two parents.
2. A society that discourages a sense of entitlement.
3. A recognition of uniqueness that is unassociated with strength, beauty, and wealth.
4. A spiritual foundation that offers love, joy, peace, kindness, and generosity.
5. A culture that encourages and offers a work opportunity for each adult to provide sustenance for themselves and their families
6. A society that recognizes that some people are more talented than others, and, at the same time, a society that appreciates the less talented as much as the gifted.
7. Cultivation of empathy and respect for others

Christian Hymn Books Can Help You Live Longer: Relationships and ViolenceReal World Violence

            On Aug. 1, 1966, Charles Whitman opened fire from the 28th-floor observation deck of the University of Texas’ landmark 307-foot tower. Sixteen died and another 31 were wounded before police killed Whitman about 90 minutes later. A friend of mine was walking on the main square south of the tower when the shooting started. He retreated behind a near-by building. He saw a couple of people fall but he couldn’t get to them because bullets were raining all around. Some of the students who could safely retreat went to their dorms, retrieved their rifles and started shooting back. Another friend was also in the area. She vividly recalled seeing several students with guns firing back at Whitman. Both of my friends and the police gave credit to the rife-ready students for saving lives and helping distract Whitman until the Texas Rangers and local police arrived to end the ordeal.

            Paul Ji, who had a romantic attachment to a woman member of Emporia’s Calvary Baptist Church, entered the church from a seldom-used side door and walked to the back of the sanctuary shortly after the Sunday service began. Ji slipped a clip of ammunition into his 9 mm semi-automatic. Ji began firing, killing Tom DeWeese and wounding several others until he had used the 15 bullets in his clip. He was attempting to install another clip when Jerry Waddell rose from his pew to subdue him. Ji fled out of the church, with Waddell running after him. Rick Grossenbacher joined in the pursuit. Waddell was carrying a hymnal he had been singing from just before the shooting started. Waddell threw his hymnal, hitting Ji in the head stunning him. Waddell caught up to the shooter, grabbed him around the neck, and slung him to the pavement. Grossenbacher jumped on the pile. Richard Goza, not far behind, grabbed the gun that Ji still held in his hand. Later Police Lt. Larry Adams said in a Gazette article, “Waddell [and the others] probably saved a bunch of lives today. If they hadn’t made a move, that guy would have re-loaded and continued to kill innocent people.”

PEACEMAKERS FIGHT AGAINST MALEVOLENCE

            Senseless violence can occur in the most unlikely places: a Baptist Church in Emporia Kansas, a Luby’s cafeteria, a high school, a university campus.  Only an ostrich believes “It can’t happen here.” All of us would do well to plan a response for violent attacks. A stunned, passive response is the natural consequence to an unexpected sudden attack. Experimental studies, however, show that passivity usually fails. A forceful response to vicious attack offers our best hope. When one person responds assertively to violence, the passive among us will be moved to positive action. Several may die, but dozens will live because one person sacrificed health and life to save others.

            One more thing: Experiments have shown that if a person is being attacked, the crowd gathering to watch generally does nothing even if the victim cries for help. If, however, the victim looks directly in the eye of one of the bystanders, that passive individual will move from a trace state and help the victim. Others will quickly follow.

THE TITANIC STRUGGLE

            All of us are locked in a titanic struggle between the forces of good and evil. The battleground of this struggle is the individual human soul. As C. S. Lewis wrote, “There is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counter claimed by Satan.”

            Most of us ask, “Why is there evil in the world?” A better question would be, “Why is there good in the world?” Scientists tell us that entropy—decay and decline—is the natural law of physics. Interpolation indicates that goodness would deteriorate into evil. But good prevails because spiritual love is a stronger force than hate.

            Malice can discourage us, but it can never defeat us when, with God’s help, we stand firm against the spiritual forces of evil. The peacemaker, rather than allowing dangerous situations to develop, faces them and conquers them. When we take a stand against evil, we are doing a God-like work.

Golf Lessons Can Give You A Meaningful Life: How to Have Better Relationships

A meaningful life, a life filled with purpose, doesn’t come from achieving personal desires. Selfish motives may produce wealth and power but these worldly successes leave you feeling empty. Self-help doesn’t work. Only a personal relationship with God gives life meaning and purpose.           

            Just as lifting weights builds our muscles, improving our spiritual life takes discipline. Pretend you are a weekend golfer who desires an improved swing. You go to the teaching professional to learn the correct stance and grip. You practice these new techniques. Your game improves. Then old habits begin to creep back, requiring another lesson from your golf instructor. Eventually, you revisit the pro to correct old habits that keep creeping back into your swing. 

            Think of God as your spiritual pro. The virtues listed below require daily practice and regular visits with life’s most experienced teacher. He’s available anytime so you don’t have to wait for an appointment.

Virtues AND CHARACTER TRAITS THAT PROVIDE A MEANINGFUL LIFE

·      Love for God—We love God because he first loved us. We cannot earn God’s love. God loves us despite our flaws and frailties. He wants to help us achieve the purpose he has for our lives.

·      Loving ourselves—We accept our limitations and develop our talents when we understand that God created us with a unique personality and special gifts. Guilt, regret, shame, and resentment prevent us from loving ourselves as God loves us.

·      Altruism—Knowing that God unconditionally loves us allows us to serve others selflessly. Service creates good will, gratitude, respect and fairness.

·      Sublimation—Channeling frustration into productive effort leads to work we enjoy. Those who have the right perspective about work seldom have time for negative emotions because they are thankful for the opportunity to be productive.

·      Suppression—Replacing negative emotions with optimistic thoughts cultivates contentment. The following techniques enable us to suppress negative thinking:

o      Think and talk positively. Our mind is like a computer. Our lips program our mind.  Speak positively and the mind is programmed for success. Negative speech programs the mind for failure. When life becomes disappointing, speak more positively and you will begin to feel and act better.

o      The ABCDs of Behavior. The trained mind knows that thoughts about events are more powerful than the events themselves. When we learn to shape our thinking, we use our minds to overcome a series of unfortunate events. We can improve our attitude by using the ABCDs of behavior.

Ø    A = Activating event—Someone may criticize your tendency to dominate meetings.

Ø    B = Belief about the event—You initially believe that the critical person is a jerk. As you reflect on the situation, you conclude that this criticism may be valid.  In the past, people have joked about your dominating personality. They have rolled their eyes and looked bored when you talked. You decide the critical person is correct in the assessment.

Ø    C = Consequence of the belief—You feel a strong determination to change your behavior while, at the same time, you feel grateful that you have received constructive criticism.

Ø    D = Doing—The action you take is based on your belief, not on the activating event. You begin to talk less and listen more.

o      Teach your body to work for you. Because motion creates emotion or, to put the axiom in another way, because physiology creates feelings, teach your body to give you the positive results you want. Smile (even if you don’t feel like it), stand erect, walk briskly, speak rapidly, and alter the pitch and tone of your voice. When you change the way you talk, speak and move, you become more confident, helpful to others and, yes, happier.

o      Act “as if” you have already archived the results you want. If you want to be a successful writer, tell yourself that you are a best selling author. If you want to lose weight, tell yourself, “I weigh 145 slim, trim pounds.”

o      Cultivate an environment that makes you feel better about yourself. Replace squalor with uncluttered neatness. Hang paintings and photographs that convey peace of mind. Tape encouraging words to your mirror.

·      Anticipation—Goal directed planning provides a guideline for helping others. Goals can be achieved by following the SMART acronym:

o      Smart goals. The eternal question is this: Will we live to achieve our personal goals, comfort and pleasure, or will we establish goals that direct us toward serving God and others? The eternal way, the smart way, enables us to establish goals designed to use our talents, gifts, skills and abilities to serve others and honor God.

o      Measurable—Goals must be specific as “I will write from 6-7 AM Monday-Saturday.”

o      Achievable—Goals must be sensible. Anyone can write an hour daily if they are motivated.  

o      Realistic—Establishing a goal to write 8 hours daily is impossible unless you are Stephen King who writes from 8 AM to 5 PM each day.

o      Time oriented—An absence of a specific time to accomplish your goals makes measuring your progress impossible.

·      Humor.  Sustained effort is best balanced by laughter and play. A joyful heart is healing while a dreary spirit leads to sickness. Joyless opportunities deplete vigor and dull the senses. An exhausting vacation provides an inappropriate use of leisure time.  Participating in sports and games that bring more frowns than laughter creates an absurd use of time.  Three types of humor exist:

o      Sarcasm and self-deprecating humor—Shun this type of humor. The unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between positive and negative comments. Self-deprecating humor, no matter how much others laugh, impacts your unconscious mind to accomplish those things you joke about. Likewise, sarcasm reflects passive hostility toward the other person. Sarcasm and self-deprecating humor produce negative results.

o      Laughter power—Hearty, energetic laughter invigorates those around you.

o      Cosmic humor—Avoid taking life too seriously. Finding the absurdity in human foibles allows you to brush off the “dust and soot” of life.

·      Integrity—Keeping commitments demonstrates integrity. People want to know three things about you:

1. Can I trust you? —Honest, thoughtful and ethical behavior builds trust.
2. Do you care about me? — Treating others as you would like to be treated (the Golden Rule) demonstrates concern, commitment, and caring.
3. Are you committed to excellence? — Do the best you can. Excellence can be achieved by developing habits that strengthen the character:

o      Choose to enjoy each day by eliminating hurry from your life.

o      Practice random acts of kindness daily.

o      Learn something new each day by reading and listening.

o      Give thanks for fortunate events.

o      Praise positive and helpful behavior in others.

o      Establish a specific time for prayer and scripture studies daily.

o      Set aside a quite half hour for personal rejuvenation each day.  

Serving and Helping People

1.    Catch people doing something right.

2.    On the forehead of each person, four letters are written in invisible ink—MMFI—Make Me Feel Important. Special glasses of concern allow you to see these letters.

3.    Develop rapport by subtlety imitating somebody’s gestures, body posture, vocabulary and speech tone, pace and volume.

4.    Use a vocabulary that resonates with an individual’s personal style of thinking:

• Kinesthetic individuals—Those who make decisions based on emotion tend to look down when thinking. In your conversation with kinesthetic individuals, repeat the same expressive words they use. Punctuate your vocabulary with feeling words. Emphasize relationships. Relax, slow down, and be more personal.
• Visual people look up when thinking. They use visual words—“I can see that; I can picture that; that’s clear to me.”  They are forceful, quick moving and action oriented. Be efficient, talk faster, and get to the point. Paint pictures with your words when talking to these people.         
• Auditory people look to the side or straight ahead when talking. They use auditory words—“that rings true; that’s clear as a bell; that sounds right to me.” Steady and contemplative, they have an uncanny recall of dialogue. When communicating with auditory people talk slowly and offer facts, detail and specifics. Provide as much information as possible.  Allow enough time for the auditory to reason through decisions.

5.    Use specific power links when helping people make decisions.

• “May I cut in line because I’m over parked?” The word “because” powerfully persuades people even when the reason you give may be rather absurd.
• Substitute the word ”and” for “but” to link ideas because “and” reaffirms and strengthens the conclusion of your statement.
• Words such as “since, while, before and until” assume that the person is going to do what you want them to do.
• Avoid restrictive words—“Should, ought, must” generate negative responses.

6.    Discover what people want. Ask questions. Learn as much as you can about them.

Check the accuracy of your observations. Reflect back what you have heard. The better you understand people and their needs, the better you can serve them

Encouragement for Parents

UCLA psychologist Jim Stigler gave American and Japanese elementary school students the same convoluted math problems to solve. The American kids struggled briefly with the problems and then gave up. In contrast, the Japanese kids kept trying so long that Stigler remembered thinking, “This is inhumane. I have to stop them. They’ll go on forever.”

            This experiment illustrated a difference between the two cultures. In general, with a few exceptions, Japanese students believe that if they keep working, they will eventually solve the problem. Most Americans think that solving problems has more to do with talent than with tenacity. To a Japanese student, the inability to find a solution to a problem results from failing to work hard enough. To an American student, failure results from lack of talent.

            Americans typically think that inborn ability is more important than effort and persistence. The majority of American students believe that the more effort that is required to succeed, the less talented they must be.

THE MAKING OF GENIUS

            Are geniuses born or made? Certainly successful people have innate gifts, but peak performance has more to do with hard work than with genetic endowments. Commitment and motivation precede outstanding performance. Dedication, drive, and determination appear to be more important factors than innate ability in developing expertise. Here are some examples:

            TIGER WOODS. When he was twenty-one, Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win the Masters Golf Championship. He was one of the most accomplished amateur golfers in history, winning six USGA national championships, an NCAA title, and an unprecedented three consecutive U.S. Amateur Championships. As a child, Woods demonstrated mouth-dropping accomplishments. He putted against Bob Hope on the Mike Douglas Show at the improbable age of two, shot a score of forty-eight for nine holes at age three, and was featured in Golf Digest at age five.

            Tiger Woods has been learning the game of golf since he was six months old. When he was less than a year old, he would watch his father, Earl, hit golf balls. Soon he was imitating his swing. From the time he could walk, Tiger was on the golf course. He said, “My body is a little bit sore from all of the practicing and playing and training, and your mind gets a little tired of it, too. You're going to go years where you just don't win. That's okay, as long as you keep trying to improve."

            MICHAEL JORDAN. Michael Jordan, perhaps the best basketball player of all time, was no child prodigy. He failed to make his high school basketball team when he was a high school sophomore. Jordan certainly wouldn’t have been a basketball player if he didn’t have height, leaping ability, quickness, and agility, but his phenomenal success probably had more to do with practice than inborn talent. In the well-recognized Nike ad Michael Jordan said, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot— and missed. I’ve failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

            MOZART. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart played the keyboard when he was four years old, began composing when he was five, and at six was playing before the Austrian empress. Early musical exposure and training had as much to do with his success as innate ability. Mozart’s sister, Maria Anna, six years his senior, was considered a musical wonder-child. Mozart’s father, Leopold, a gifted violinist, and keyboardist was a music pedagogue who devoted his life to developing the musical skills of his children. He taught them “to wear the iron shirt" of discipline. Leopold believed musical skill came from grueling work.

            PROFESSIONAL SOCCER PLAYERS. A study of professional soccer players suggests that they owe their success more to training than to talent. A significant number of professional soccer players were born in the first quarter after the cutoff date for youth soccer leagues. Because these players were older than their teammates when they joined the leagues, they enjoyed advantages in size and strength allowing them to perform better. Their success in early years motivated them to keep improving, thus explaining their disproportionate numbers in the professional leagues.

            CHESS GRANDMASTERS. Chess grandmasters rely on a vast store of knowledge of game positions. Through years of practice, skilled players learn to recognize chessboard information that can be retrieved from long-term memory and they use this information to determine the best move for each situation. To develop their phenomenal memory for different outcomes based on the board position of each chess piece, grandmasters engage in years of exhausting study.

            ORDINARY PEOPLE. Even the average performer engages in strenuous effortful initially. Once ordinary people reach an acceptable level of performance, they relax and stop developing their talents. Average students tend develop friendships with other average students. Golfers congregate with golfers who perform at their level. Ditto for musicians, artists, mathematicians, writers, and business professionals. For the masses, ease trumps expertise.           

            THE MOTIVATED FEW. In contrast to ordinary people, prodigies continue to undertake challenges that lie just beyond their competence. Top performers relish challenges. They consider mistakes a natural part of learning, and bounce back for failure with new strategies. Success builds on success because each accomplishment strengthens motivation. Furthermore, top performers are far more likely to enjoy the developmental process than average performers.

The Self-esteem myth

            In the 1950s, pediatrician Benjamin Spock advised parents to give children confidence by responding lovingly to their needs and feelings. Brandeis University psychologist Abraham Maslow taught that self-esteem ranked highest among the basic human needs. A sense of being loved and “unconditional positive regard” became more valued than hard work and achievement. Positive feedback and praise became the standard teaching method that has persisted until the present day.

            The self-esteem myth has produced a narcissistic society that values talent, luck, and social status over effort. Advertisers have told us that a particular possession can provide self-esteem that will fill our lives with friends and fun. In our Wonderland World, we acknowledge the declaration proclaimed by Alice: “All have won, and all will receive prizes.”            

            Parents have been taught that compliments for effortless achievement will encourage children to try tasks that are more difficult. Just the opposite occurs. After all, why work harder when the humdrum brings praise?

            Encouragement, optimism, positive feedback, and confidence have tremendous value. The usefulness of failure, the fun of challenge, and the value of persistence and hard work have even more value.

THE VALUE OF FAILURE

            Thomas Edison identified 10,000 filaments that wouldn’t work until he used the carbonized cotton thread for the light bulb. Henry Ford went bankrupt five times before he became an automotive industry leader. Walt Disney’s first cartoon production company went bankrupt. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a television reporter because she was “unfit for TV.”

            Because challenge will eventually lead to failure, all successful people have failed, many of them repeatedly. Failure is never fatal or final. Failure, instead of dooming us, helps develop new strategies, different approaches, and creative adjustments that produce success. Those who never fail, fail to learn anything. The only way to unsuccessfully fail is to quit.

BALANCING POSITIVE REGARD WITH CHALLENGE

            Children do best when parents establish a balance between positive regard and challenge. Here are some suggestions for helping children develop their talents:

• Praise accomplishments that require considerable effort. Praise for low expectations produces laziness.
• Praise persistence.
• Praise trying different strategies.
• Praise personal progress on tasks.
• Teach the value of failure by talking about the struggles of famous people.
• Focus on the pleasure of learning by becoming excited about concepts and ideas.
• Learn something new each day and share what you have learned with your child.
• Pay more attention to hard work and diligence than to grades, SAT scores, and class position by reminding yourself that persistence produces peak performance.
• Avoid manipulative praise that is given to build confidence. Confidence comes from effort. Manipulative praise discourages hard work.
• Be specific with praise. Instead of “good job,” say something like this, “Your story is was so vivid that I could hear the rain falling.”
• Be specific with criticism. A flat, “I’m disappointed in you” is a hollow statement. A specific reason for your disappointment gives the child direction and encourages positive change.
• Always focus on the “un-que” factor—the unique talents of each child. Encourage the development of those unique talents and gifts.